Toilet!

My Salon piece is out.


Never thought I'd see so many letters -- mostly positive. The readers have been so kind and supportive. I'd kiss al of them on the mouth, but I don't know where they've been. Kidding! Of course. As usual.

Ironically, I was cleaning a giant McMansion for Mormons while texting my editor at Salon about that essay. I was a gift from Evil Mormon Grandma who had come from the home planet to help with the birth of live young. I cleaned for seven hours. Grandma (black haired, botoxed, wearing jaunty capri pants and a lot of mauve lipstick) tried to pay me $50 for this. She purposely misunderstood my pricing structure. I told her I could clean for $50 - $70 if I just did a few common areas and we set a time limit. They wanted the whole 3,000-square foot house cleaned. Four bedrooms, two and a half baths, a basement, plus blinds, woodwork and the doors. Seven hours later, I reminded her that I charge $20 an hour. She offered $100, which I accepted. It really wasn't enough. It should have been $40 more. I felt bad for a second -- no idea why -- until she opened a wallet stuffed with hundred dollar bills and fished one out for me.

Before dusting the many Kinkade-esque portraits of him in that house, I had no idea Jesus was a Viking. There were many busts of Brigham Young and Joseph Smith. I felt a little let down at not seeing any magic Mormon underwear. The boys' bedroom featured large prints of ancient Mormons fighting Indians. Good times!

This weekend, I relaxed with much swimming and ethnic festing and a zoo concert at the outdoor amphitheatre. I feel almost able to take on my own apartment, which is full of bad things that come out of old, sick cats.